Funny Jokes

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Tapnit82

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Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts, "Save the women!"

George W. Bush hysterically hollers, "Screw the women!"

Bill Clinton's asks excitedly, "Do we have time?" :lol:

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Brenda

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That's a pretty good one. I could see Bill Clinton saying that too!

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ISH

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That probably did happen, but the names were changes to protect those there, except for bill clinton ;^)

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DIsTheBest

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Found this one by the hilarious Jim Gaffigan

"Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers."

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I love it

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I love Jim Gaffigan. He is a one of a kind comedian, no one else out there like him.

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JoannB

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Jim Gaffigan is so funny, nobody delivers like he does he is hilarious!

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abby21

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Here's one

Q. Why don't blind men skydive?
A. Because it scares the shit out of the dog.

:cheer:

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gws8000

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LMSFSAO! I bet the dog would be scared shitless. I could just see a dog with huge eyes being held on tightly by his owner!

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OnlineKing

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Q: What should you do if a blond throws a pin at you?

A: Run like hell she's got a grenade in her mouth.
B)

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JoannB

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It is good to be a brunette at least we don't have to deal with jokes like that haha

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Jon

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That is pretty damn funny. My wife is blond, and now ofter being married for three years I see why they make up all those jokes, some of them are probably true.

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DAR12DAR

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Even my blond dog is not that smart, if he was darker haired I think he would be a little smarter.

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r3v0l4

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Thought this one was good.

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

:>)

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Governator

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That is rediculous but funny I had to laugh even though I tried not to.

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stevebell

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An oldie but goodie. I always laugh at that one no matter how many times I hear it. :)

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ISH

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Got to admit that is a good one, I could see my dad doing that when he is drunk :^)

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Hit-Me-21

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I liked this one I saw a while ago.

Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”

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corve

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I have heard different variations of this like for Michigan. I thought it was original when I heard it, but it must be an old joke I heard. Still funny though.

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Homeboy222

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Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will
soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi
Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as
a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do". Pepsi's proposed ad campaign
suggests: "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a
stiff one."

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SangZee

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10 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

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Firegirl

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This was rated as the top joke in the world recently.

A couple of Mississippi hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

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